THE ATLANTA HAWKEYESEST. 2026 • CLOSE ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK
Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes — Smith 1, Schmitt 0.

THE ATLANTA HAWKEYES

Because geography is hard for some senators.
College Park's favorite Atlanta Iowa's basketball team.

Hawks. Hawkeyes. Close enough. The most confused franchise in sports history — born September 29, 2026, when a U.S. Senator mixed up an Atlanta Hawks game with an Iowa Hawkeyes game. Wrong birds. Wrong city. We decided to just run with it.

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UPCOMING "GAMES"

Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsAtlanta Hawks (awkward)
TBD — WHENEVER WE FIGURE IT OUT
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsIowa Hawkeyes (even more awkward)
TBD — PENDING SENATE APPROVAL
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Tune Squad
THE TUNE SQUAD INVITATIONAL — WELCOME TO THE JAM
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Average Joes
THE AVERAGE JOES CLASSIC — DODGE, DUCK, DIP, DIVE
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Flint Tropics
THE FLINT TROPICS TOURNAMENT — EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Sandlot Squad
THE SANDLOT SHOWDOWN — YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsDistrict 5 Mighty Ducks
THE MIGHTY DUCKS CUP — QUACK QUACK QUACK
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsAFC Richmond
THE AFC RICHMOND FRIENDLY — BELIEVE
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsRockford Peaches
THE ROCKFORD PEACHES EXHIBITION — THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsBayside Tigers
THE BAYSIDE TIGERS HOMECOMING — TIME OUT!
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsJamaican Bobsled Team
THE COOL RUNNINGS SHOWCASE — FEEL THE RHYTHM! FEEL THE RHYME!

HOW A FRANCHISE IS BORN

On September 29, 2026, during a Senate hearing, Senator Eric Schmitt tried to corner former special counsel Jack Smith over supposedly attending an Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta. There was just one problem: Smith had actually attended the Iowa Hawkeyes women's basketball game — in College Park, Maryland. Wrong birds. Wrong city.

The moment went viral. AP, The Washington Post, and Forbes all covered the Hawks/Hawkeyes mix-up. And somewhere in the confusion, a franchise was born: a team from Atlanta that plays in College Park, roots for the Hawks, flies with the Hawkeyes, and has been undefeated since yesterday.

Atlanta • Iowa • Maryland • It's complicated.

THE FIRST DROP

THE MOMENT THAT STARTED IT ALL

SEPTEMBER 29, 2026

During a Senate hearing, Senator Eric Schmitt pressed former special counsel Jack Smith over a supposed Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta. The only problem: it was the Iowa Hawkeyes women's basketball team — in College Park, Maryland. The clip went everywhere, and a franchise was born out of the confusion.

Atlanta Hawkeyes. Because geography is hard for some senators.

STRAIGHT OFF THE TIKTOK

FROM THE MEME DESK

Senator Katie Britt's shocked reaction

THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE

THE ATLANTA MARYLAND HAWKEYES

AREN'T A REAL TEAM

Where do YOU think College Park is?

ATLANTA Georgia? Hold on, let me go to Kinko's to print out a huge sign so everyone knows my answer.
IOWA Wait, what? Pick this one — it's fine, just blame your 26-year-old staffer. That's what they're for.
MARYLAND Sure, why not. Pick the wrong one and congrats, that's perjury. Choose wisely.

More where that came from → TikTok

🗑️ HALL OF SHAME

The distinguished individuals and institutions whose failures made this franchise possible.

Senator Eric Schmitt (R-MO)
Confused the Atlanta Hawks with the Iowa Hawkeyes during a Senate hearing on September 29, 2026. Gave us our entire business model in one sentence. We send him one of our HANG IT UP ornaments every year. He probably thinks we're a real team.
The U.S. Senate Committee on Geography
Not a real committee. But after that hearing, it should be. We'd like to testify. We know where Atlanta is. (It's in Georgia. We checked.)
The Dismantling of the Education System
Inducted for making the geography confusion not just possible, but inevitable. When you gut public education, don't be surprised when a U.S. Senator can't tell Atlanta from Iowa City. This one's on all of you.
Senator John Kennedy (R-LA)
Looked Jack Smith dead in the eye during the September 29, 2026 hearing and said "you make me want to throw up in my mouth." Probably ate one of those bad Iowa crabcakes beforehand. You know the ones — 50¢, taste like regret and the Mississippi River. Inducted for the most honest Yelp review of a Senate hearing ever recorded.
The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny
Both name-dropped during the hearing as part of the questioning. Neither showed up to testify. Cowards. For the record, the Tooth Fairy has an excellent grasp of geography — she finds every house in America. Take notes, Senator.
Whoever Printed the Poster
Some poor staffer printed a giant poster of text messages for the hearing. It said "Hawks." The game was Hawkeyes. That intern is 26, underpaid, and now famous for the wrong reason. We'd hire them, but they clearly can't read. (Kidding. We love you. Please don't sue.)

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